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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Ah Beng Spills His Guts

I went for a Gastrointestinal Endoscopy yesterday to check why I have been having severe heartburn as of late.

For those not familiar with superfluous medical terms, Gastrointestinal Endoscopy simply means that they stick a tube with a camera into your mouth, down your throat & into your guts, to see what the h*ll is wrong down there.

Of all the things that I could be praying for, I was praying that they won't ask me to strip, cos I was thinking, why would I need to right? It's not as if they're sticking that tube up my butt. But my prayers were answered, cos all I had to do was to put the blue hospital gown OVER my clothes, wear a shower cap & their sanitised slippers. WHEW. I think God didn't really want to see me naked, cos that would have disturbed the sancity of Heaven.

The nurse sprayed something into my throat & all the muscles in that area went numb. I couldn't even swallow & I could feel that my saliva was starting to pool up in there. It was basically flooding, & I was technically drowning.

Then they hooked me up on a drip, & within 5 counts, I was knocked out like a passed-out monkey shot with a tranquiliser gun on National Geographic.

The whole procedure took about half an hour. Miraculously, 45 minutes later, I woke up feeling nothing except drowsiness. If alien abductions were like this, then there'd be nothing to be afraid of.
Then they gave this to me.

It was a video recording from the little camera that went inside me. I thought that was really cool since I'm into movies & all that. I mean it's not everyday that you get to see the inside of yourself, & this was a movie of it.

Starring Ah Beng. Directed by Dr. Soon.
Produced by Kuching Specialist Hospital Studios.

The doctor probbing my gastro instestinal passageway with a metalic instrument.

Rest assured that I will not be showing you the rest of the movie capture stills. They are sorta disgusting. The whole video was basically a roller-coaster ride into my passageway. Certain times my intestines looked like a slimy butt-hole, & at times they looked like slimy belly-buttons. So I don't think you'd really relish that visual experience here.

The doctor thinks that the problem could be due to the bacteria lodged someway in the passageway. I don't know how these buggers got there in the first place. It's not like I eat dirt you know. And I always wash my hands. So when these buggers fart, they produce acid, which causes the heartburn.

Anyway, now I'm on medication for one week to exterminate those illegal squatters.

Wait a minute, the story's not over yet. When the bill came, I cursed those litte buggers & damn them to h*ll.

I will kill them one by one. I will kill their firstborn, their lastborn & their everyborn. I will kill their fathers, their forefathers, & their before fathers. I will kill all their generations & remove their species from the face of my intestines!


WoMbOk™♂ said...

Keke. I know someone who had the tube go up the other way. Not pleasant I would think.

Greg Wee said...

You mean that sodo mee guy?

Abdullah said...

Dude... U mean u were under when they did the procedure... U lucky bugger you... I was awake and fully conscious..they just gave me some local anesthetic...
I could only watch in horror as they lodged the tube into my throat...
It was horrible! Terrible!
The torturers!!!



Trauma got the better of me...

Greg Wee said...

Abdullah, let's put it this way. Just be thankful that you were not the friend that Wombok was talking about.