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Friday, October 31, 2008

My Stubborn Auto Gate

WARNING: Ok, all you pretty ladies out there might not be interested in this post. It's another one of my manly Fix-It-Yourself pursuits. I suspect that this post will attract truckloads of gruffy, hairy, greasy, naked macho men. (Naked from waist up lah, or maybe with a singlet)

And as for the men, fear not. The village people look-a-likes & anything within their one-mile radius are not invited.

This is a post for REAL men. Of course, the ladies are most welcome if you enjoy picking up a tip or two about fixing the house.

I did my auto gate today. My auto gate has always been problematic since day one. It's not entirely quite when it closes. There'd always be clanking sounds & I'd always feel embarass about it. But as time went by, the skin on my face became thicker, & so did my ear wax.

Then one day, my dad lifted the whole gazunka of the gate off its track cos he thought that it wasn't working cos he didn't know about the power switch. From then on, things went downhill.

I had it fixed a couple of times, but ocassionally the clanking & the stuttering-jerking movement came back, until one day, everything stopped working.

So I called up this guy & he changed the whole motherboard for me & charged me RM450 for it.

Motherboarder! That felt like highway robbery!

He was probably right about the problem, but it felt like someone punched me in the nose & kicked my fruits of the loom.

And the thing didn't even work. So he added on an ugly looking antannea.

Now it looks like I have an outdoor remote control radio set.

And to top it all, the mother of all problems, last weekend, someone drove into my gate & it came off the tracks. We put it back but now it's making those loud metalic scrapping noises again.

So day, I said I'm as mad as hell, & I'm not going to take it anymore! & I pulled out a WD40 & introduced it to Mr. G-Force's face.

And it worked.

Mr. G-Force is now on good behaviour. At least for now. My word of manly advice, you've got to teach them to know who's the boss.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Absolut Vodka on My Porch

Things have been breaking around my house recently. No, wait. That didn't sound right. It sounds like Poltergeist. What I meant was things have been accidentally broken.

A bottle of Pesto sauce dropped onto the kitchen floor when I opened the fridge the other day. It broke & green stuff spilled out. It looked like I just stepped on a dead snail. Even though I didn't know what the heck Pesto was, it was painful to watch.

Then my wife dropped the glass soap holder & it broke. That wasn't so bad cos it's cheap stuff.

And yesterday, she dropped a whole chunka Absolut Vodka. Yup. The whole bottle.

You're probably thinking What the...?! I was. Cos I didn't really know we had a bottle of Absolut Vodka. I mean the only Vodka bottle that I've ever seen are on the Absolut Vodka ads like this.

And this.

And this.

And this. What the...?!

And no, she wasn't drunk. The vodka was for cooking, ok?

The painful thing was that she has been only using it for 3 times.

And this was even more painful.

Now that's what I call Absolut Agony!!!

Teaser: My English Breakfast

Oh, this is just a cheeky teaser. Sorry I didn't get to post this up yesterday morning but this was what I had for breakfast. ;P

In Queen's English: Oh, The cherry tomatoes & the bacon looked absolutely delightful! But unfortunately I can't say the same for the eggs & the baked beans. They looked most awfully dreadful!
There's nothing like a very proper English breakfast, with the morning papers, to start the day off, even though the English butter is missing.

And after that, there's also nothing like a good ol' visit to the loo with the same papers that was on the breakfast table a moment ago.

Monday, October 27, 2008

My SH*T Book

This is one of Malaysia's highly respected National Laureate, Shahnon Ahmad.

At one point in his literary career, he wrote this book which became a sensational controversy.

I also have a sh*t book. Well, in a way.

Contrary to Ahmad Shahnon's, mine's not written by a National Laureate. But all the same, it was by a very highly respected, world recognised individual, and his wife.

It's really not about what you think. The book is not about human excretion. In fact, you won't find even a single word that alludes to anything near-feaces.

Far from all that, it's actually a book about how the internet revolution is changing the way we make money & live.

Apparently, I bought this book something like about a year ago, & I'm still at it. 184 pages out of 391 & counting.

I find that I don't have as much time as I would have liked for reading books, & usually, it's during these early morning hours in the toilet, or whatever hours that deemed necessary, that I could squeeze in a few paragraphs each time.

I've been moving on quite slowly as sometimes there's competition from the morning papers which require my urgent attention. But I'm confident that if I increase my visitations to the toilet that I'll be able to complete this literary task soon enough.

I must admit that sometimes I even think of reading in the shower.

Oh by the way, I hope you've had your meal already. If not, then my sincerest apologies to you.